l am going to write about expectations in this post but it won’t have anything to do with a Charles Dickens novel. Forgive me if you got here by means of a search engine because you may, in fact, have been looking for
Dickens.
I have always been fascinated by “frustration” as an observer, a sufferer, and a source of it. In my study of Psychology I learned that frustration involves three elements: our expectations, our beliefs about reality and our responses. Psychologists define “frustration” as our response to the difference between what we expect and our perception of reality. For example, if we expect our supervisors to compliment us about our work, and they say something sarcastic about it instead, we respond negatively. Our response may be physical, mental or emotional, or a combination of the three. That response is called “frustration.”
The degree of our frustration is directly proportional to the difference between the intensity of our expectation and the extent of the failure of reality to correspond to the expectation. Here is a graphic illustration of the situation I suggested above:
As you can see, if you can avoid having expectations you can avoid frustration. It is important to understand this principle because in many cases, as in this illustration, we have no control over the outcomes of the situation. On the other hand, it is impossible to avoid expectations, because expectations are a result of our need to understand how the world works. We need to be able to exercise some control over our environment and knowing what to expect is a requirement for that task. Our environment is not always benevolent, and our expectations enable us to react appropriately to protect ourselves. As an illustration, we might hear someone say, “I survived that situation because I knew what to expect.”
We are faced with a dilemma: we need to have expectations in order to deal with our environment, but those expectations often produce frustration. Two simple principles can help us minimize frustration in the face of this dilemma of human nature:
- Have realistic expectations. Understand the difference between desire and expectation. There is actually no inherent relationship between the two. The mere fact that we want something does not create any probability that we will get it. In order to minimize frustration we have to have an accurate understanding of the circumstances and then take appropriate action to get what we want.
- When you base your expectations on factors that you do not understand or cannot or will not control, you increase your probability of frustration. This is especially important in human society. When we base our expectations of people on our assumptions about their values or their beliefs and attitudes about us, we risk frustration. When we fail to tell people what we expect of them, we risk frustration as well. When we irrationally expect people to intuitively understand our own values, beliefs and attitudes, we are almost certain to be frequently frustrated. It is foolish to base our expectations of other people on the assumption that they will think and act like us.
My next several posts will break down this concept in more detail. In the meantime, please use the comment form below to send me your questions and feedback on this important topic.
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
hi…
I am a student of technical background.I have been in relationship for about two years.Initially I did not use to expect her response in any situation, whatever was her response I accepted that. But now I want her to respond in a particular way.I know that is really insane and not ethical. But I am not able to get ridge of it. I don’t want this thing to drive my relation but unfortunately it is.suggest me how can I fix it.Please give me some logical reason so that i can make myself understand.
thank you
I am not a counselor so please accept my comments as merely a reflection of my own experiences. As I stated in my post, “When we fail to tell people what we expect of them, we risk frustration as well. When we irrationally expect people to intuitively understand our own values, beliefs and attitudes, we are almost certain to be frequently frustrated. It is foolish to base our expectations of other people on the assumption that they will think and act like us.” I think it is important for you to tell your girlfriend how you feel and ask her to tell you how she feels, honestly and forthrightly. If she says that she is not interested in being what you want, you will know exactly what to expect and at least the frustration that arises from ambiguity will be gone. If you genuinely care for her you will respect her desires even if they don’t meet your needs in the short run. It is appropriate to grieve and be sad when our expectations are not met, but the best remedy is to move actively to another means of meeting them. In this case you may have to accept the fact that this person is not going to meet your needs. If so, the only way to get your needs met is to take another route. Best wishes!